So I'm back in the States after 5 months of filming and I'm questioning what it is I'm doing with my life. Traveling the world was a phenomenal and humbling experience. I find myself asking, now what? So far my answer has been: lay in bed all day and watch cable.
I have roughly no desire to pursue my acting career. I'm terrified by what the future will bring to our national economy (1 in 20 people are unemployed, soon to be 1 in 10). More pointedly I'm concerned my freelance clients will be tightening their fiscal belts and I've lost too much weight as it is. I am going through what my friend Prince dubbed, an
existential malaise.
But I know this won't do. A generalized pseudo-depression is a part of life, but it's no way to live.
I had a lot of great momentum heading into my trip, but now I find myself at a perfect standstill. How then do I jumpstart my life?
- Do what needs to be done: So you don't know what to do with your life? Well tough shit. There is still plenty of stuff to do in your life that doesn't require you to follow your spirit animal's one true path. Some ideas: settle up your parking tickets and vehicle registration issues, take a shower, do your taxes, clean your house, donate your crappy clothes that don't fit right to charity. For now, don't worry about what's most important - it's enough that you are doing something.
- Take stock of your life, right now: I'm not asking you to change yourself, or come to a resolution about what should happen. Just take a long hard look at your life right now: finances, friends, hobbies, goals you've been pursuing, things you like about yourself, things you don't like about yourself, how you feel about your job. Then make a list, just throw it all on a piece of paper.
- Find purpose through distraction: Don't try and fix it all just yet, it's too much. It's too scary, you're just trying to remember why you're doing this at all, and you'll only beat yourself up if you expect to be a "fully actualized human being". Take a look at your life, you've got it down on a piece of paper right? Which part of yourself have you completely neglected? Let that guide you. "You mean, you actually have more than $10 in your bank account and you haven't bought a kite yet?!" You're inner child is astounded and thinks you should have more fun. What is something totally stupid you want to do? Learn to sew your own clothes? Do it. Find a goal or a hope somewhere in that morass, and let that be your shining beacon.
- Note that you do enjoy something: So you're doing something now, aren't you? Your life still sucks and feels undirected but you've sewed yourself a pretty snappy pantsuit. And that was cool wasn't it? And you've already picked the pattern for the dress you're going to sew next and you're looking forward to it aren't you? You have something to hang your hat on - that Wednesday night stitch and bitch actually gives structure to your week. Congratulations, you're unstuck. You are no longer tied to the docks, you are actually moving. Sure it's in totally the wrong direction and your parents and your priest are disappointed in you for your not doing something meaningful with your life - but fuck it, you're moving.
- Let it snowball: That small glimmer of enjoyment is a kind of momentum. Let it build. What are some things you used to do that you remember enjoying? Do another one of those, and while you're at it throw some of that stuff from the Need-to-do list on the pile. The need-to-do stuff isn't so scary now.
- Pick a destination: Huh. Weird. Life is again progressing. Sure you still don't know what you want exactly but you are actively living. You are doing things you enjoy and you are doing what has to be done (bills, work, etc). But now that your whole life isn't hanging in the balance you can actually hear yourself think. Take out that piece of paper you filled with your misery and woe you called a life at Step 2. It's not as bad as it was, is it? Read over it again, notice any patterns? What is important to you? What do you want? How can you improve the lives of those around you? Let the answers to these questions help you pick your next destination - a job at Google, performing your one man show, a fully renovated house, a thriving small business, AmeriCorps.
- Do it: Now here's the fun part - Take all the momentum you've built up just living and use it to get towards your destination. There's a lot pushing against you, a lot of reasons why this won't work, and why you should pick something a little more reasonable. Well, tack hard into the wind. Then take a break look at all the crap you've passed and tack hard again. And again. And again. You're gonna get there, but for now just enjoy the wind blowing through your hair - good news: you're alive.
Hey, I've got a secret for you. Come here. I'll whisper it to you:
You're going to get through this. You always have.
