How Modern Society Colors Our Sense of Self

If you've been reading this blog for a while, you've probably seen me mention TED a few times. It's like inspiration distilled and uploaded to the web. In the following video, Alain de Botton answers pretty directly the question from my last post: How do you define self-worth?

http://www.ted.com/talks/alain_de_botton_a_kinder_gentler_philosophy_of_success.html

In his lecture, Alain de Botton makes some excellent points:

• In a democratic capitalistic society, we believe that we live in a meritocracy. Thus, those who deserve to succeed: succeed. Those who deserve to fail: fail. Except, that isn't really true. Chance plays just a large a role in the extremes of success/failure as does hard work/sloth.
• In the modern secular world, God/The Universe is no longer at the center of our society. Our station in life is no longer determined by The Gods, but instead by our actions. Thus our perception is that success is entirely our own, and so is failure. If you are solely responsible for what occurs in your life, it can seem far more tempting to shitcan it when things go wrong.
• We have lost our empathy for the unsuccessful. If they are unsuccessful, they must have deserved it. But read any tragic play and see that a hero, who is a good person and makes reasonable choices, still finds his/her life devolve into an utter pit of despair. Tragedies are important because they remind us of our humanity.

Whether my three summary points get this across or fail miserably (as I suspect), it's actually an optimistic and inspiring talk. Perspective is key to understanding. If you've got the time, it's worth watching.

How Do You Define Your Self Worth?

In the midst of an existential crisis, I asked a friend: Where does your sense of self-worth come from? He replied:

"I find my sense of self-worth is connected to whether I am fulfilling my purpose."

For better or worse, I feel like I measure my ego against the same philosphical yardstick.

Most actors have a strong sense of purpose related to their craft, but all too often they feel helpless to serve that purpose. They desperately want to act but often have no opportunity to do so - they aren't being cast, or they aren't getting called in, or they aren't being submitted, or they don't have an agent, and so on. This can lead to feelings of worthlessness.

I question the pertinency of these feelings. In response to my queries they give me the silent treatment and settle in for a good long stay. Since the doubts still come whether they're reasonable or not - do what you can to ease them. Whenever you can, however you can, cultivate opportunities to serve your purpose.

What is your purpose? Are you serving that purpose?

While these questions shouldn't necessarily be the bedrock of your self-esteem, knowing the answers can help you identify that feeling that gnaws at you and keeps you up nights.

Mantras, The Secret, The Pull and The Push.

It seems that every generation a fad sweeps through the Los Angeles acting community promising to deliver its believers from anonymity and into stardom. Actors seem especially succeptible to these memes. Perhaps it's because they believe in the imaginary for a living ("I'm MacBeth!") and cling to the thought that they will be the exceptional actor that succeeds lest they collapse into a quivering mess in response to the futility of it all.

In the 80's the fad was having a mantra. There was a belief that if you chanted "I am famous, I am famous, I am famous," it was impossible for you not to become famous. This was cleverly captured by Woody Allen in "Annie Hall." In a scene at a Hollywood party, Jeff Goldblum's character is on the phone and clearly distraught "I forgot my mantra!"

This generation's version of this phenomenon is something called The Secret. The thought being, that if you think long and hard about what you want, you will get it. Lambourghini? Yours if you just think about it. The Universe, you see, is duty bound to deliver one to you. Just be careful how you think about it, because that Lambourghini may be "attracted" into your life in the form of a head-on collision.

There is some good to mantras and The Secret. Thinking about what you want to achieve is the first step in getting there. Concentrating on your goals can help you break the icy paralysis that is self-doubt. The failure of both philosophies (at least as they are commonly practiced) is that they remove the need for personal action: all responsibility is placed in the hands of "The Universe". Left unchecked, these philosophies can lead to a self-righteous narcissism and sense of entitlement that is despicable; an attitude that pervades much of Los Angeles and serves as justification for NorCal's general distrust of all things SoCal.

An actor turned casting director I met once said:

"I had the pull to be an actor, but I discovered I didn't have the push. Once I figured that out, I got into casting."

That phrase really stuck with me. It's not enough to have a desire to be successful. Anyone can want to be a successful actor. The "pull" is the easy part. Where most people find themselves lacking is in the "push" column.

Do you have the strength of purpose and drive to do more than just give it "the good ol' junior college try?"

I know that I have the pull, but I vascillate daily on whether I think I have the push. Am I actually working as hard as I need to to get what I want? Or am I the moral equivalent of a sucker sitting alone in sweatpants mumbling "I am famous, I am famous, I am famous..."

If At First You Don't Succeed Fail Fail Again

If you've taken a drawing course at some point in your life you've probably heard the phrase:

"As an artist you have 10,000 bad drawings given to you at birth. Now spend your lifetime getting them out"

The same applies to acting: you have to spend a lot of time working on your craft before you're going to be particularly good at it. It's not necessarily about how many years you've been doing it, but how many total hours you log.

If you listen to just about any successful stand up comedian describe how they got their start, it goes something like this.

"I was a funny guy, my friends laughed at my jokes, so I thought 'Maybe I can be a standup.' I wrote a five minute set and I did an open mike. I bombed. Not a laugh in the house. People actually booed me off the stage. I was totally and utterly traumatized. I didn't leave my room for a week.

But I must have been a glutton for punishment because I worked up the courage and came back the next month. I bombed again. I reworked my material and came back the week after that, and I bombed. The week after that, I bombed. I kept coming back every week, and I kept bombing. It wasn't until my 20th show that I got one good laugh, and it wasn't until my 100th that I could hold the audience for my full 5-minute set.

Finally, I got booked at a comedy club for a 10 minute set, and I said 'Oh shit, I've only got 5 good minutes of material.' So I did the comedy club, and I bombed there too. Eventually I found some success, but it was hard won"

I think the lesson here is that you have to work through the bad acting, and the feelings of failure, and not being good enough before you can find any success. There's no shortcut, you just have to keep banging your head against the wall until the wall starts to give way. So if you've been avoiding auditions because you feel you aren't good enough, find the acting-equivalent of an open mic and start bombing, feel the fear but do it anyway.

How To Be Okay With Not Doing Everything

You want to do the following:

• Be great at your craft
• Be there for all of your friends in their time of need
• Be spontaneous and fun
• Earn a good living
• Own a home
• Stay up to date on all the current news
• Walk the dog
• Act
• Dance
• Sing
• Play the Ukulele
• Always be understanding
• Sleep 8+ hours a day
• Eat Right
• Exercise Regularly
• Read the great books
• Write a novel
• Inspire students
• Leave the world a better place
• Be a good girlfriend/boyfriend/husband/wife
• See theater
• Travel
• Be a good parent

It seems like it's possible. So you're trying to do it all right now... and you're failing miserably.

The thing is, you don't have to do it all right now. Life is long enough that you'll get to take a solid crack at most of those things on your list.

An Anecdote:

For her entire adult life, my paternal grandmother talked about wanting to read books for pleasure. But as a wife, mother, small-business-owner, association president, and caring friend she'd find herself too tired at the end of the day to do anything other than turn on the TV as she fell asleep.

A couple years ago, she moved from an assisted living community to a nursing home. Her husband and most of her friends were dead. Her children were grown and her grandchildren were scattered about the country. She was in a very dark place and I was afraid we were losing her.

Some time, a few months back my father gave her a book, "Chicken Soup For The Soul." For want of company and anything else to do, she began to read. A few days later, she asked for more books.

When I visit her now, her chest-of-drawers overflows with books. Dozens, most of them she's read twice or more ("Chicken Soup" and "Marley & Me" are among her favorites). Despite her surroundings she has reclaimed her joie de vivre.

So don't beat yourself up for giving up the rock band for the picket fence. Right now other things are probably more important. But who knows, you might get a second shot, this could be you someday...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eZ4SIe5rVUM

Has LA Changed You? Or: Remembering Your Passions

Have you ever gone through your life, business as usual, only to have something shovel-smack you in the face and remind you that you have neglected what once was an important part of yourself?

This video, of a Camp Jitterbug Jump Session, did just that:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kcsyUhZgcps

When I was living in the Bay Area, swing and blues dancing was an essential part of my life. I'd go out dancing 1 - 4 times a week. I'd practice steps at home. I even taught swing dancing as a Choice Day elective at East Bay Arts, hoping to spread some of the joy.

Then I moved to Los Angeles, and I stopped dancing. I went out a couple times, but it just wasn't the same. My friends weren't there, I'd have to drive too far, and alone. It didn't seem worth the effort. So I stopped trying.

Knowing my birthday was fast approaching, and unaware of my distance from dancing, a dear friend in the Bay Area plotted a gift. Despite an incredibly busy schedule, she started taking lindy hop classes so that we might spend more time together in my favorite environment: the dance hall. On the week of my birthday, I came up to visit her and my other friends. She took me out dancing. I was hesitant at first (Would I be any good, being so out of practice?), but eventually I gave in a had a fantastic evening. It was quite possibly the best gift I had ever received.

But a return to LA, meant a return to dancing apathy. When my friend would come to visit, she would propose an evening of swing dancing, but I never had the heart for it. "The drive's too long." "Eh, doesn't sound like fun." "I'm tired, how about we catch a movie?" I had become apathetic about something I truly loved, I let the city beat me into submission. In so doing, I failed myself, and I failed my friend.

I'm sometimes asked: Has LA changed you? To which I reply, "No I don't think so, I think I've done a pretty good job of holding on to who I am." Seeing this video, knowing I've neglected a part of myself and afraid I've hurt a very giving friend, I'm not so sure.

The Nature of Priorities

My friend and productivity buddy Ms. Moot emailed me this quote:

"You eventually learn that true priorities are like arms; if you think you have more than a couple, you're either lying or crazy."

I'm not sure who originally wrote it, but it certainly rings true.

What is a priority in your life? You say it's A, but why do X, Y, & Z always take precedence? A is not a priority in your life until it is what you do before X, Y, & Z. In fact, if it truly was a priority, you wouldn't think to do X, Y, & Z.

Wait! Before you go tearing your whole life apart to make A your priority, take stock of where your focus currently lies. If, when given the choice between working on your business (your "priority") and spending time with friends, you always opt to spend time with friends -- Perhaps friendship should be your "priority". It'll come a lot easier, you'll save yourself the mental anguish of "failing to meet your goals". In fact, I suspect you'll be a lot happier for it.