Weirdest Audition Yet (Not safe for work)

You might want to read this one at home if you're a public school employee…

Today I attended an audition for a student film project (through a fairly prestigious art and design college) that was hands down my weirdest audition experience since arriving in Los Angeles. I went to the audition not knowing much about the project beyond it being about an 18 year old boy who's never left his house. Immediately, I thought, "Oh, another bubble boy. It could be fun." When I arrived at the audition space, the "audition instructions" were laying on a chair. I started to read through them, and immediately became concerned. But, being a good sport and having driven all the way to Pasadena, I endeavored to do what the instructions (written in broken English) specified.

In the audition room, there was a mattress with a sheet covering it. No doubt, for audition instruction number 1: "Pretend to have sex with a sex doll. This is your character only happy time. It is still sad." Sex, even between two people who love each other very much can be awkward at points. Simulated sex with an imaginary sex doll in front of two strangers, is EXTREMELY AWKWARD.

After my first attempt at this, I was given an adjustment: "The people are coming," which I took to mean that my character was being caught with a Real Doll by his parents or roommates. This gave me something to work with. However, just as the nervous interaction between my character and the "interrupter" was about to begin, the CD corrected me by saying "They coming. Like orgasm."

"Oh…" I said. So once again, I air-humped the mattress, gave them my best, happy but sad and lonely, O-Face. Then I moved onto audition instruction #2: "Walk up to camera like mirror. Look at self. Look at can. This is your last food. You have no money, after this you will starve." The can in this case was an empty Rock-Star energy drink. Oh yeah, did I mention: this character has never left his home because his thighs are fused to his belly by flaps of skin. So, as I approached the mirror I was waddling forward on my haunches.

Audition instruction #3: "We will need to take a picture of you for records, just upper body." So, I stood still ready to take my picture… "We need to see skin so that we can make the prosthetic." So, against my better judgment, I took off my shirt and was photographed from the front and back. When I auditioned for "Take Me Out" I didn't have to remove a single article of clothing, and I was fully nude in that play.

When I described all of this to a good friend of mine, she said "You aren't actually going to do this project are you?" I quickly replied "No, of course not." Meanwhile, I had been making a list of pros and cons in my mind. I really can't believe myself sometimes. One of the hardest things for an actor to do is say no to a project – we experience so much rejection that it's very tempting to accept any project that comes our way, no matter how bad or skeev-inducing.