Does acting always come first?

One of my goals with this blog is to show the joys and complications of pursuing acting as a career. Until now, I've emphasized my successes and career progress, but I've done little to illuminate my internal landscape. Perhaps mostly out of the superstition that if I write down my fears they will become real.

Lately, I've been forced to ask myself the question: Do I want to pursue this career with a singularity of purpose so intense that I will have no reason for not "making it"? Or do I want to pursue my career in a less focused way that allows for me to be a whole person?

The story, as I've heard it, often goes: A happy young man is loved by his friends and family, and he loves them in return. One day this young man leaves home to pursue his dream of becoming an actor. He moves to Hollywood, and begins auditioning. He is not cast, and he is broke. He becomes cynical. He pursues only those friendships and relationships that will help his career. In the case of the exceptional young man, one of these relationships pans out and he lands a plum part. He returns home to celebrate his success, only to find that friends and family do not like the person he has become. The person he "needed" to become. His success feels empty. So he redoubles his efforts thinking that another, better, role will fix things, believing that success is the key to happiness. In the end the he is an old man: tired and alone.

That story scares me. I don't want for it to become my story, but there are times when I see it creeping into the fringes of my reality. Sometimes I feel guilty for seeing friends and family. I feel lazy for taking time away from my pursuit. I worry that on a day that I'm away – I'll miss the audition that will be my break. If I don't put everything into acting, how can I justify the move away from family and friends? But if all of my life is empty except for acting, how can I ever play a whole person on the screen? And more importantly, will I like the person I've become?

Life is a balancing act. The key is to find the right balance. Who are you? What are your core values? If all of your decisions are in line with your beliefs, you will have few regrets.

The problem with balance is that it requires compromise. You can't do everything nor be all people to everyone. With each thing you gain, you must also give something up. So what do I really want? What are my priorities? I have to say that acting is not what I value above all else in this life, and I'm okay with that. But I still intend on making one hell of a go at it!

Apparently I'm a Samuel L. Jackson type.

Last week, I got a call from the gal who produced my last couple projects at the LA Film School. Apparently one of her actors had dropped out, and she needed a replacement who was roughly the same age. So she called me up to play Jules from Pulp Fiction. If you’ll recall, the role was originated by the Samuel L. Jackson; an original badass as I live and breathe. I ended up getting the script at about 1am the night before the 8am shoot. I did what I could to learn my lines before sleep's siren song sent me to slumber.

The shoot went well, and I relished the opportunity to work with such great writing. But I was dismayed at my inability to cram the 5-pages of dialogue into my head for the shoot. I just barely got through the master shot which we took at the end of the shoot. Granted, if I’d had more time it wouldn’t have been an issue. However, I couldn’t help feeling that to be truly professional in that circumstance I should know my lines cold even if I've only got 30min with the script.

Anyone know where I can get discounted Ginko Biloba?

Jennifer Coolidge told me not to sit on my ass.

The Groundlings

My family loves "The Groundlings" theater in Hollywood on Melrose. The Groundlings list of alumni reads like a regular who's who in comedy: Will Ferrell, Chris Kattan, Janeane Garofalo, and Pat Morita (say what?!) to name a few. This has led many people, including my father, to believe that making it into The Groundlings company is the key to "making it". This has led to the school having 2yr waiting lists to get into some of their classes. Things have cooled down a little since that absurd peak was reached, but the school still requires that you audition to take their beginning classes! Well, I auditioned a week ago, and passed the test. I've been waitlisted for the current term, and will be able to enroll in the next session if I beat other actors to the Groundlings school website.

Jennifer Coolidge Q&A
My dad heard that actor Jennifer Coolidge was participating in a Q&A and he offered to buy me a ticket to the event. As a lover of all things free, and not one to turn down an evening with a busty blonde, I accepted his offer. Ms. Coolidge is far more intelligent and good-looking than most of her film roles would lead you to suspect. The Q&A was a very entertaining and informative two hours where she described her experiences at the Groundlings, working in feature films, and her desire to do just about any project so long as it is paid.

Going Outside
At one point Coolidge said "Cool things happen when you're not sitting around your house with your dog. Go out, even if you don't have the money to drink." I took that note to heart, and instead of retiring to a meal of easy-mac at Chez Donovan I drove over to a vegan restaurant a few blocks from my house that I'd never tried. The food was great and cheap. Towards the end of my meal, I got a call from my sister. I of course couldn't wait to tell her about Jennifer Coolidge describing her as "You know… Stiffler's Mom from American Pie." After I said goodbye to my sister, I went to use the restroom. As I returned to my seat, who did I see sitting in a table just across the room from mine, but: Jennifer Coolidge. I had just had a phone conversation about the woman completely oblivious to the fact that she was 15 feet away from me the whole time.

I spent the next five minutes paying my tab and hemming and hawing about whether I should thank her for an excellent Q&A. I opted to just walk back to my car – she seemed fairly involved in a bowl of soup and I'm chickenshit.

Notes from the Q&A
The following are some of the more cogent points from the evening:

• The terrible jobs you have are the best sources for sketches.
  
• You don't actually get paid when you're a Groundlings company member (ugh!)
  
• Perhaps trying to prove my father right, she said "Everything good in my career came from The Groundlings. If it weren't for them, I'd still be waiting tables."
  
• With one-line auditions, go in there and make a strong impression. Be unique, everyone is giving them the same flat read.
  
• TV shows fire actors more than ever, they're trying to make up for bad writing with good casting.
  
• Modeling is the most brutal, the music industry is cut-throat, but the absolute weirdest behavior happens in the film/tv industry.
  
• Stay away from people at auditions, other actors play dirty tricks and you don't want to get thrown off your game.
  
• Don't get passive with your career once things start going your way. Work even harder.
  
• Building a relationship with a Casting Director is important to the point that you should take crappy jobs. Hooker #3 led Coolidge to American Pie and Legally Blonde.
  
• Go into auditions as your character – CDs are just too tired to be imaginative about this stuff.
  
• The comedy world is much smaller than drama – you've got a better shot of making it in comedy.
  
• In improv, anyone can steal your part. Take it back with some over the top reactions of statements like "You sure talk a lot."
  
• Girls from Texas get cast because they know how to use hair rollers; go into the audition looking the part.
  
• Most Importantly: create your own projects. No one else will.

One of the major themes of her discussion was the dearth of good roles available to comic actresses. This is certainly something that lends itself to further discussion.

1 Feature, 3 Shorts, 1 Play, & 1 Cattle Call

I've reached a point where I have too many auditions to blog about them individually – or at all. This feels pretty good, a month ago I didn’t really anticipate going out this often.

Theater
Biloxi Blues (Donald Carney) – This was my first theater audition, and for whatever reason it was held in a little cubby hole of a casting office. It was me and 3 other people in a 6’ by 6’ room, a little cramped by even SF Stipend-pay theater standards. The audition went fairly well, but my read was a little flat. Unfortunately, I was the last actor of the day so I didn’t get an opportunity for a second read.

Student Films
War Zone (Ross) – This audition was held at The Center which is this rad little theater complex in South Hollywood. There are about 12 equity-waiver theaters crammed into a two story building. This was a cattle call audition, I got there early, waited about an hour and did what I thought was a pretty successful read. I got called back, more on that after the second audition.

Schindler’s List (Nazi Soldier) – I submitted for this project through LA Casting. However, I already knew the director because she was on set for the directing exercise at LA Film School. I combed my hair into an impeccable part in the expectation of playing a Nazi. I ended up reading the sides for Schindler and getting cast as a Polish violence-victim.

Friends (Lonely Guy) – This was a USC student project. The Robert Zemeckis studios are absolutely astounding. These kids have access to amazing facilities. This audition went well, and I ended up getting cast in another student project (Love Thy Brother) because the director sat in on the audition for this one.

Features
The Hereafter (The Devil) - I prepared pretty seriously for this one. I built up some character memories using the imaginative memory process that Richard Seyd described in his weekend workshop. The audition went well, and I’m hoping to get called back. Although, next time I definitely want to be more off book for the audition.

I’m probably missing a project or two in this list, but this is an indication that I’ve been going out a fair amount. If I keep this pace up for another couple weeks, I’ll have done more auditioning in 2 months than I did in the 5 years previous. Frequency is helping to demystify the process – although I still get the willies in professional auditions.

The illusory nature of credit card late fees.

It's getting close to the 1st of the month so I'm getting all of my accounts in order (rent, credit card, cell phone, etc). When I was reviewing my Bank of America credit card bill, I noticed a late fee charge for $39. I distinctly remember paying this bill, so I called up Bank of America to ask why I was being charged. Here's what I learned:

• The goal of all credit cards is to get your money, whether that be through interest, or in my case: late fees.
• Very often you will be assigned a late fee for no good reason in the hopes that you won't notice and pay your bill anyway.
• With B of A you must make your payment between the 11th and 30th. If you pay your bill before the 11th you will receive a late payment notice, even though you have paid your account EARLY.
• The online auto-pay feature won't auto-pay your account once you get your replacement card because your old card expired.

But the biggest lesson is: If you mention any of the above to a customer service person they will remove your late fee on a "one-time courtesy basis".

This is a good thing, 'cause papa needs that $40 right now. And yes, I did just refer to myself in the third person as "papa", and no, I don't know why.

Meeting with a Commercial Agent on Friday

I received an email today in response to a headshot submission I sent to a commercial agency about 3 weeks ago. Apparently, they're bringing me in to see if they want to represent me commercially. This is really encouraging.

It's a relatively small agency that suffered a coup not too long ago (2 of the partners left). It's also all the way out in Agoura Hills, which is pretty far out of the action. I don't know anyone represented by them, so it's hard to suss out the current standing of the agency. I'm already psyching myself up to not immediately sign. I'd really like to have representation, but I've discovered some agents that I'd like to submit to and meet with.

But in the end, it all comes down to whether I think I can have a working relationship with the agent.

"Why don't we have that kinda relationship?"

Sometimes a scene leaves a tail.

This week in Richard Seyd's acting class, I worked in a continuation of last week's scene. I previously described this set of given circumstances as my nightmare. The situation was all-too-easy to connect with, so when it started, I launched right in. I went to some interesting and new places in my work, and I managed to keep the stakes high for both my relationship and my need to grieve. This is huge!

I'm really pleased with the growth of my craft over these past couple months - we'll see if any of it holds up in the context of scripted scene work.

The scene was brutal, and has left quite an emotional tail. Munch's "The Scream" is an apt visual description of what I'm going through: shockingly strong emotion in a dream-like world. Actors are in the business of make believe, but the body can't differentiate between real and imagined stimulus. What a wacky profession.